Selected Writing

 

[See a more complete portfolio of my Groupon writing, including daily deals and more traditional copy initiatives, here.]

Buffalo Bills Fans Find Unlikely Asylum in Punk-Rock Stronghold Delilah's
Writer, Oct. 2013

If Watts is the mayor of New Buffalo, Miller is the town crier. Behind the microphone, Miller holds court like an uncle in an armchair, cracking jokes and shouting "Focus!" to the players during key moments. When the referees slapped the Dolphins with a crucial penalty, he bellowed, "It's a new era—we get the calls!"

Miller also works his tail off at the bar, juggling the taps and queuing up the sound system. At commercial breaks, he switches the audio over to homebrewed Buffalo fight songs. My favorite is a punk-rock anthem with an infectious chorus—"Hey, ho, let’s go, Buffalo!"—that reflects Miller’s unrelenting optimism. “We treat every single game as the Super Bowl," he explained. "And if we win, we won the Super Bowl." [Read More]

Study the World in Glorious 2-D with a Flat Earth Globe
Editor, April Fools Day 2017

We may never unlock all the universe’s secrets, but at least we can continue to explore the horizons here at home. As part of Groupon’s commitment to science, we’re offering this free educational tool to help curious customers better understand the breathtaking horizontal plane we call home.

Painstakingly rendered in all two dimensions, this realistic model of the Earth is based on the works of renowned astronomers Shaquille O’Neal and Kyrie Irving. As leading thinkers in the field of planogeology, The Big Aristotle and Mr. Overtime have spent their entire careers studying spheres—after all, it’s their job to dribble one every day. If the Earth were shaped like a basketball, don’t you think they’d be the first ones to know? [Read More]

Your Dream Wedding at Mandarin Oriental
(Groupon Reserve White-Glove Treatment)
Writer, 2012

Ceremonies can take place out in the hotel's grassy sitting grove or in the same place as the reception—a 5,000-square-foot ballroom with tiger-maple paneling with silk-upholstery insets. In the daytime, light streams through floor-to-ceiling windows that overlook the historic Back Bay; at night, hand-blown glass chandeliers illuminate the dancing below. Throughout the hotel, paintings, collages, and sculptures from artists such as Frank Stella and David Hockney add a modern flair to the elegant surroundings. Forbes Travel Guide named Mandarin Oriental a five-star hotel in its 2013 edition, lauding its luxurious rooms and roomy, full-service spa as top-notch. [Read More]

Golf Tips for Shoring Up Your Short Game
Editor, Apr. 2015

3. Weather can alter a green. A ball will travel much straighter on a soft, wet green than a dry green with firm grass. Likewise, grass tends to grow more in the afternoon, so the ball will break more drastically at 3 p.m. than in the relative calm of dawn, when earthworms still haven’t delivered the grass its coffee. [Read More]

Lab-Grown Diamonds vs. "Real" Diamonds (Buying Guide)
Writer, Dec. 2016

Diamonds grown in a lab have several major benefits compared to mined diamonds—not least of which is the ability to customize them, letting you find the perfect stone without having to beg Mother Nature for any of her precious heirlooms. [Read More]

 

The Gulliver's Travels Trailer: A Novelization, by Jonathan Swift
Dec. 2010

The reader will now be advised to consider the implications of this fortuitous augmentation; for in Manhattan, being relegated to the anonymity of the mail-room and involuntarily celibate, I felt overlooked and insignificant, quite to the contrary of my gregarious and ambitious nature, and the irony of my physical inversion was not lost on me; for after this initial encounter with the Lilliputians, I encountered an adventure as epic as my relative size and as entertaining as the fabled Museum Nights of great American folklore. [Read More]