Selected Writing
Here’s a few things I’ve written for various outlets. But really, for more personal thoughts, just subscribe to my personal newsletter, Masthead:
It’s Time to Sign the Declaration of Independence, and I, Elbridge Gerry, Will Have the Biggest Signature of All
A piece for McSweeney’s celebrating a forgotten moment in our nation’s founding.
Oh, this is going to be so sweet. My name might even become the synonym for one’s signature. “Just put your Elbridge Gerry right here,” people will say. Or “Hey, can I get your Elbridge Gerry on this?” Heck, they’ll name buildings after me — maybe even the tallest building in Boston! Just imagine: the Elbridge Gerry Tower, five stories high. Almost as tall as the Elbridge Gerry on the Declaration itself!
The Gulliver’s Travels Trailer: A Novelization, by Jonathan Swift
I was delighted to find much of my culture alien to these creatures: they knew nothing of Yoda, nor the Millennium Falcon, nor even Manhattan, though they were quick, once given proper instruction in the requisite technology and stagecraft, to adopt the practice of rocking out. What’s more, I quickly assumed the tutelage of a lovesick Lilliputian named Segel, who had felt the inexorable pull of the princess’s vajajay; and despite my prior deficiencies in the intricacies of love (as my investigative assignment was still incomplete, I regretfully had yet to bang Amanda Peet), I advised the poor misfit on the most suitable methods of courtship.
Buffalo Bills Fans Find Unlikely Asylum in Punk-Rock Stronghold Delilah’s
For Groupon’s now-defunct city guide, I wrote a piece dear to my heart about one of my favorite places in the world:
If Watts is the mayor of New Buffalo, Miller is the town crier. Behind the microphone, Miller holds court like an uncle in an armchair, cracking jokes and shouting “Focus!” to the players during key moments. When the referees slapped the Dolphins with a crucial penalty, he bellowed, “It’s a new era—we get the calls!”
Note: the formatting is a little wonky thanks to changes in Groupon’s CSS. See an archived version here.